What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 07:20
And i lived it daily.
She wouldn,t have been !
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was 9 years of age.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was scared of men, in general
She married twice! .
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What did i know ?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My family never makes their pension either.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I think the readers, may guess!
Why do men first look at a woman's chest instead of their face?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She was in good health!
Why do most people care so much about what others think? Are they afraid of society norms?
But it wasn’t much.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Ive learnt so much.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
So whats the point in blame.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As i do to all so called friends.?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Especially a lifetime of it.
We all went to grammer schools
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im still living with it.
I will be 64.
I write beautiful poetry .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Why did i forgive my father ?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But, we were locked up after school.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
It was going to be , some day.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Who then, do I blame.?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Put me off passion for life!!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I don,t even have a pension.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
All the time i was locked up.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She found it foreign!.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I have no regrets .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was seconnd youngest,
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He knew the spot.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I said to her
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I could never make a relationship work though!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
One cannot live in the past .
So, i spoilt her more .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
When she asked me how she looked .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
This is soul school!.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My life is so biszare .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was very sick at this time too.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Comes on , in middle age.
She loved him until the end.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We were not on the streets..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I waited trembling.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Would this be the day?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.